KPA Lawyers – April 22, 2020

Please note: this article is satire

TORONTO (ON): All charges were dismissed against a 21-year-old thirst trap of a man after he performed doughnuts in front of Yonge-Dundas Square Monday night.

Sources reported that the police, upon arriving at the scene, were visibly disappointed that there were no literal doughnuts to be found, but commented that the “boss in the ‘stang” was “burnin’ some serious rubber”.

He was arrested and charged with several offences, including “Improper Reenactment of Tokyo Drift”. However, in a stunning display of legal acrobatics, his lawyers said that his “totally awesome donuts were just the kind of thing we needed to get through this pandemic”. His lawyers even produced an expert witness trained in clinical psychology, who reported that the young man’s stunts likely “healed the collective depression that we are experiencing as a nation at this moment”.

Justice Dominic Toretto, in his single page decision, found that “I’ve seen some improper reenactments of Tokyo Drift, and this was definitely not one of them, even if it was the worst movie”. Prosecutors withdrew all of the other charges, specifically citing the man’s lengthy list of previous traffic violations, stating, “he’s a true bad-ass, and he’s got the rap sheet to prove it. At this point, we just want to see what he does next, and we don’t get to do that if he’s in jail”.

At press time, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was dedicating one of his morning COVID announcements to acknowledge the driver as a “true Canadian hero”.